How Not to Write Your Novel part 1: Blogging

Teach us! they say. O, teach us, dear leader! Show us the way to not write our novels!

Verily, I shall!

Begin, I say, with the internets.

Ever since that fateful day in 1760 when Ted Kennedy and Alexander Graham Bell wired two Hermes manual typewriters together with cables spun from the tears of Victor Hugo and typed those first, tremulous words:

XanderB: Yo, dude. It werks!

Teddybar: KILLER

…the internet has proved itself unequaled as a pit of time-sucking depravity. Indeed – the first thing Tom Paine did when he got his printing press wired was open the first blog. Oh… those were heady days. Who can forget the flamewars of Philadelphia? Ben Franklin’s claims that it was all HIS idea, but he had to finish that stupid stove first.  Wi-fi kites, rebel porn and Plato! Ahhh, Plato… sage, scholar, philosopher… troll.

Well, we’ve come a long way since then, but one thing remains the same – if you want to avoid writing a book, starting a blog is a great way to do it. (It’s also a great way to instigate a divorce, start a drinking habit, and disseminate dubious photos of your household pets in compromising positions, but these are advanced techniques not covered in this basic tutorial. Check out our catalog, though. I’m sure those courses are  available for an appropriately exorbitant fee.)

But Leader, you say. Isn’t blogging writing, too? Isn’t it just as dangerous as finishing a novel?

Ha! No, young one. Not by a long shot!

First of all, there isn’t a chance in hell of anyone actually reading your blog. I mean – everybody and their brother’s iguana has a blog. And I only wish I was kidding about the iguana. The chances of anyone ever finding the blog of an actual writer are practically nil, and it’s even less likely that, once found, anyone will read it! I mean – pictures of cats captioned by the illiterate, sure… bunnies with pancakes on their heads, absolutely… but actual writing? Not a raccoon’s chance in a hat factory. You’re better off peeing poetry on a mountainside than blogging for recognition.

Second, you could spend a lifetime just trying to set your blog up!

But Leader, you think. I thought that was easy what with the clicking and the iMac and the zoom…

Ha! I say. And, Ha!

That is to say…  Well it might be, but then you’re a writer, aren’t you? Hardly going to be satisfied with the run of the mill, one-click-and-voila, off-the shelf blog site, now are you? No, of course not. There are decisions to make, after all. Who to contract for hosting? What to claim as your domain name? It can’t be anything too pedestrian. It needs to have MEANING, now doesn’t it? Implication and maybe (if you’re that sort) a little innuendo. Likewise the name of the blog itself! It needs to be catchy, unique and  at the same time recognizable. And I don’t mind telling you you could spend MONTHS looking for just the right theme! Indeed, one hardly even needs to write a blog to avoid writing a novel if one devotes the proper attention to setting one up.

Thirdly – have you ever known of a blog being done? Indeed not. No – you can write an entry a day for a year and never be finished with it. But beware! There’s been a disturbing trend of late of blogs becoming books. Never fear, though – with but a modicum of care you can avoid this. Simply begin anew every three months and you should most surely not fall into that trap.

And there you have it, dear readers. Sure protection against any chance of finishing that book lies but a blogpost away. All the internet yawns wide as the proverbial void, just waiting to swallow even the faintest hint of coherent thought. And like a stone into a bog, your words will sink into oblivion without danger of leaving even the faintest ripple.

Be well, my pretties! Come back soon! And whatever you do…

DON’T WRITE