How Not to Write Your Novel: Chatroulette... ahhh, on second thought...

So I heard a story about this new(ish) site on the web called NOW BE CAREFUL IF YOU CLICK THAT LINK!! See, Chatroulette is this new… hmmm… game. Yeah – let’s call it a ‘game’. In this game you click a button and are magically connected to some stranger with a webcam who happens […] […]

Tips for Failures

By which I mean: People Who Write, the Guardian has published some VERY IMPORTANT RULES […]

How Not to Write Your Novel: Piracy

The other day I had this feeling. And as I felt this feeling I said to myself, “Self? What IS this feeling?” “That feeling is writing,” I said. “Oh right! I remember,” I said to me. “It feels good! Maybe I should go and do some.” “Ignore it. It’s a lie. The cake is a […] […]

How Not to Write Your Novel: Seattle

Go there! Look for me. Wave and make the Cat Vacuuming SOOP3R S3KR1T hand gesture! (I’ll tell you all about it when we get back…) Be good, my pretties! And whatever you do… DON’T WRITE! […]


A little musical comfort food for our friends back East. Stay warm, kiddies. -bwrs […]

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Percy? Seriously… PERCY?! First – What mother loves her son and names the poor schnook ‘Percy’? Second – Perseus (with whom dear Percy’s name is overtly linked by characters in the movie) was a son of ZEUS! And if we accept the premise of eternal fraternal near-war that is the basis for the whole story, […] […]

How Not to Write Your Novel: Zombies

I know what you’re thinking: Zombies, Brett? Really? I know it’s not fashionable to believe in zombies these days, but how are they any less real than the other things you spend your time doing instead of writing? Pursuing physical fitness? Come on – who are you trying to fool? Learning Chinese? Seriously – who […] […]


Much has been made of this whole ‘notes on hands’ thing lately. I’m not going to get too far into it other than to say a- I’m not surprised and b- Why are you?? I wonder – do the people who think the whole thing was a cunning trap laid for Sweet Sarah’s detractors also […] […]

How Not to Write Your Novel: Being Ill

Hello, my pretties! In today’s lesson we’re going to discuss how to make the most of minor illnesses in the pursuit of not pursuing your writing career. LISTEN CAREFULLY! It may seem like a straightforward thing but don’t be fooled! Using personal sickness to avoid writing is more complicated than you might think. First of […] […]


We here at Cat Vacuuming are DETERMINED to help you, dear reader, avoid writing that novel you’ve been prattling on about for so long. We have only your best interests at heart. We’re here for you. And there for you. Sadly, we can’t be EVERYWHERE for you, but we try! To that end, I’m here […] […]